we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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