is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
