hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
