Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
