walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
