Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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