I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
