Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
