i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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