I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
