this beer tastes like vomit already
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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