He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
