break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
