I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
