Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You ate ashes out of my bong
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
