I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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