My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
