I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize