i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
