Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
