jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
