FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
