I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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