Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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