Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
