haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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