I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
