She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
