What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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