did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
