i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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