Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
