I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
