I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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