no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
