Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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