I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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