someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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