i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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