I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
