I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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