the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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