between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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