my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
