During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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