Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
