But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
