Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
