The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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