Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
