I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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