Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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