I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
