After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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