I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
