So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
