But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
