Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
